version 03042022
(Noni. Continued)
Momma? Momma? Are you still here?
I ate all of the siracha. and all of the rice. and the rest of things. Are you proud of me?
I hid some of it in my bathing suit. It isn’t all fat. It is just rice. White rice. Do you know what I mean? I don’t know if you will ever know or if I will ever know, ya know?
Momma… I tried so hard. I tried to let go of that girl in the mirror. The shame. The fat. The love. The longing.
I tried but I cannot let her go. She is with me. She is me. She needs love. I need love. Do you know how I mean? Oh, Momma. I am so sorry you… I…. I am so sorry I let myself be hurt by the cannibals.
It was not my fault. Or yours. You were hurting, too. I understand.
But Momma, I am all grown now. “Ever so much more than twenty” and… I am still waiting by the window for the chance to be saved. But no one is going to save me, Momma. Not him. Not you. Not a fairy in green tights. No one.
I am here, now, Mommy… and I need help but… I cannot… I cannot. Oh, please. Save me. I reach inside for the answers and I am lost. I look out there, Mommy… and I am lost. The pool is everywhere and nowhere and now I am here. Where is that?
I long for the me that knew the answers. That could dream. And love. And do things. She is still here but I am still looking. This is the best I can do.
I am sorry you hurt so badly. I am sorry I let myself be hurt so badly. I am still bleeding. I will keep trying to face the song, all along the journey. Okay?
For now. mmmm….. I am lost, stolen and broken. But still… I am open.